Those 18 days..
Standing at the only window with a good view of kids playing
and giggling in the garden while not realizing that these are one on the most
beautiful and blame free days of their life, a thought passed my mind. “Life actually
changes in the blink of an eye”.
My newly rented 2 BHK apartment has very little of anything
and everything and precisely half of what I had before. Be it room size, place
for little turtles to venture or the cell phone signals except, for two things-
Pocket full of Silence and a hope to have wonderful days ahead, a hope that the
new city will wipe off every scar which previous one has made.
Despite of the fact that I did visit this city before, many
a times, not for many people and many reasons though, I still was finding it
new, and this little window was my window to new thoughts, a window for new
vision.
Rewinding the scene a little backwards..
17th Nov an year back, the life was little too
harsh and not at all in line with what was expected, I was only counting my
days to get a new opportunity to step out of the place, the office, the people,
the air, which only made me feel further suffocated. Little known to me though,
it was just the start.
The journey continued to be the same right before those 18
days which were technically designed to bring the best and the worst together.
Hampi:- The three of us, lazy afternoon and a slogging life
after resigning from the job which once meant a lot to me and once showed worst
shades of world, filling me with the hopes that all the experiences there has
only made me stronger and wiser. It all started with that conversation on that swing
outside our little cottage, that our life’s going to change soon.
There was a continuous sense of loss within and the
intuition that something hard is going to hit soon, which I decided to rather
let not be known to you. The trip went well, memories were captured. Giggles,
laughter, fun were stolen from the moment with still that heavy heart making me
realise its presence somewhere in the corner.
We came back and the regular life started to begin only with
account down to my last few days in that city, company, that world.
I got a call from home the same morning, “Mom is not well”,
and somewhere it took me to the lane of thoughts, lane of realizations and
reality which was somehow already known to me, somehow invited by me.
I was a good daughter; I was never given a chance to prove
it. It was taken way before I come up with my plan to convey back.
I was a loving human: I was judged for everything on the
surface than that everything I actually meant.
I was interested in philosophy, life did not leave an option
for me but to have more philosophies just to certainly realize some day that
none of them were of any use.
I use to think that given an option to suffer or to die, one
should choose to die, at least when it comes to physical pain, that came
literally with my two guiding lights back to back. As they say in Rhonda Byrne’s
book The Secret, our thoughts are very powerful and we attract that from universe,
just that I attracted it for them way too soon.
Getting back to the call from home, it was told to me that
things will be fine but I knew it will not be. The heart said it’s time to let
go of her. The tears rolled not for the loss but as a reaction to the shock
that how our thoughts can be so literal. Trust me somehow for the first time it
was tears of happiness, for the freedom and now that she will be free from what
she never deserved.
The countdown of that roller coaster 18 days started as the
car moved towards airport on 31st Oct with a sense of sorrow and
happiness.
I went home, all I remember from that trip was the cold dead
hands and her beautiful teeth, rest all just passed by. Seven big days just
passed by and my status from daughter of Doctor’s family became Daughter of
LATE Doctor’s family.
Nevertheless, I came back to the empty apartment only to say
a quick good bye in next 4 days. I reached at 1:00 AM, looked around in that
big 3 BHK apartment and the hectic journey made it easier for me to crash which
was otherwise difficult in that pinching silence.
I woke up at 5:00 AM, went for a ride, can’t say it was
wonderful but I remember that thoroughly for some reason, don’t know why. I got
a tattoo done the same day in their memory and became proud owner of a black ink
which I regret at times too, only for the size and placement.
As I began to pack the next day, I was realizing it will be
very soon I will be an Ex- employee from young employee, in the brand which
made me to show off fully for 3 years.
I will be no more a Hyderabadi which was a tag for last 4,5
years, I will not be the same, friendly, open to all kiddo any more.
It was 12th day and I began the process to say
one last good bye. I always wanted this to come but didn’t know it will come
only after paying some big price in life, not only in last 10 days but right
from that 17th Nov 2014, an entire year of suffering and learning,
and to my surprise 17th Nov 2015 was my last day in that city, that
place, that company, only to realize later that I will be landing in the same
lane which I never wanted to see again. The house and the roads which only
reminded of some dreamy cheesy days of my life a year back, which was unfortunately
short lived.
Day ended, and I packed my bag for once most awaited trip to
Kerala and those five days were there to only make me realize that I deserved
much more that just waiting people to realize that how much they have hurt me
once, how much I need to explore the life and places and how much I need to
pick up on my lost health before I pick up on my solo travels and happy loner
life.
18th Nov 2015- Done with an eye opener fun full trip and
through with the last day in that city which gave me shelter for 4. 8 years, I
was only counting hours in that city while catching up with few of those, whose
presence always meant to me, and realizing that they will be missed- forever-
henceforth.
18th -19th Nov- Two big days back to back.
I was done with the city which somehow didn’t click for me.
I was done with the house and office where I didn’t belong; I was done with my
days of waiting.
The LOL of my life, I went to the office with all fresh mind
and heart and peeped out of that glass window only to know that it was located
in the same place from where I walked exactly an year back.
Thinking that something is good in everything and things
happen for a reason which may unfold in months/ years to come, I stand here in
front of my little window with all fresh air and view of little kids playing 3
floors down in the play ground. I see this as an opportunity to fly high and do
everything I ever wanted to do with no strings attached but one, I am very important
to me.
I have come here with a changed family status, changed company
and people, changed thought process and mind, changed prospect of looking at
the entire year which just went by, I still feel the bad times must happen to
everyone of us, every now and then because the BITTER experiences one have in
life the Better human they become. The harder we see outside, the softer we
become inside and for the fact they are unavoidable so better welcome this when
it wants to step in. The good thing about the bad time is that it is a sign of
good time is around the corner.
By Sanjeevani Keshav
Story inspired from the movie "Only".
