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 It's empty here in the Valley of Heart

Why It feels hollow here again, when I did my part.


Too many times did I expose myself to the world

Or was it that I was naive, blinded or the truth got blurred?


The scorching sun was giving me shade.

Was I a fool to choose a path with blade?


It's dark here, in the lane of smiles.

From where I see, now the happiness is nowhere seen for miles.


Was it too many times I put my trust; thought we could walk a little far?

Was it my mistake that, I am left only with too many scars.


I will wash my sorrow with the ashes of your remains,

Or is it that I am going to get strangled in those piercing chains.


Why there is a constant repetition of similar stories

Or do I have to make peace with all that has no glories?


It's empty here in the wide blue sky.

It feels without wings, while the heart craves to fly.


It's fading here, while the oasis starts to dry.

It's breathing the last breath while the eyes have forgotten to cry.


By Sanjeevani Keshav

Unseen..

The world would not know, what happened,
A tear will fall unseen & the room of heart will be vacant.

There was a little rupture, behind every smile thrown,
In the most crowded lane, the heart felt little more alone.

The unheard story will be buried soon,
There will be one more scar added on that dovish moon.

The little dream of being just a playful child,
Will fade, will be forgotten or will turn mild.


There will be a human, the world would not know about,
An unheard scream & the little hope will drown behind the dark cloud.

The world will not know, which was once a happy lane,
is the one now, driving insane.



By
Sanjeevani Keshav










 

Flashback..

Pushed back to the same lane again,
Long back from which, you decided to refrain.

When you didn't know, what was coming
& sailing back to the memories was so numbing.

When destiny has got to play it's game,
When you think you are not here to repeat history or  to gain fame.

The little crack created long back, will soothe someday,
Stars sticking up should have plans, is what we can wish and pray.

We go by the law of circles,
We run around
up to the hill, to the star,
Away from all the troubles.

The same street you walk feeling everything around
When you walk the same lane, with cold feet & beneath, no ground.

When you don't know where this chapter will lead,
Or if the destiny have plans indeed.

When we think the coincidences are for a reason,
& we think the road ahead holds the happy seasons.


By
Sanjeevani Keshav

Those 18 days..

Standing at the only window with a good view of kids playing and giggling in the garden while not realizing that these are one on the most beautiful and blame free days of their life, a thought passed my mind. “Life actually changes in the blink of an eye”.

My newly rented 2 BHK apartment has very little of anything and everything and precisely half of what I had before. Be it room size, place for little turtles to venture or the cell phone signals except, for two things- Pocket full of Silence and a hope to have wonderful days ahead, a hope that the new city will wipe off every scar which previous one has made.

Despite of the fact that I did visit this city before, many a times, not for many people and many reasons though, I still was finding it new, and this little window was my window to new thoughts, a window for new vision.

Rewinding the scene a little backwards..

17^th Nov an year back, the life was little too harsh and not at all in line with what was expected, I was only counting my days to get a new opportunity to step out of the place, the office, the people, the air, which only made me feel further suffocated. Little known to me though, it was just the start.

The journey continued to be the same right before those 18 days which were technically designed to bring the best and the worst together.

Hampi:- The three of us, lazy afternoon and a slogging life after resigning from the job which once meant a lot to me and once showed worst shades of world, filling me with the hopes that all the experiences there has only made me stronger and wiser. It all started with that conversation on that swing outside our little cottage, that our life’s going to change soon.

There was a continuous sense of loss within and the intuition that something hard is going to hit soon, which I decided to rather let not be known to you. The trip went well, memories were captured. Giggles, laughter, fun were stolen from the moment with still that heavy heart making me realise its presence somewhere in the corner.

We came back and the regular life started to begin only with account down to my last few days in that city, company, that world.

I got a call from home the same morning, “Mom is not well”, and somewhere it took me to the lane of thoughts, lane of realizations and reality which was somehow already known to me, somehow invited by me.

I was a good daughter; I was never given a chance to prove it. It was taken way before I come up with my plan to convey back.

I was a loving human: I was judged for everything on the surface than that everything I actually meant.

I was interested in philosophy, life did not leave an option for me but to have more philosophies just to certainly realize some day that none of them were of any use.

I use to think that given an option to suffer or to die, one should choose to die, at least when it comes to physical pain, that came literally with my two guiding lights back to back. As they say in Rhonda Byrne’s book The Secret, our thoughts are very powerful and we attract that from universe, just that I attracted it for them way too soon.

Getting back to the call from home, it was told to me that things will be fine but I knew it will not be. The heart said it’s time to let go of her. The tears rolled not for the loss but as a reaction to the shock that how our thoughts can be so literal. Trust me somehow for the first time it was tears of happiness, for the freedom and now that she will be free from what she never deserved.

The countdown of that roller coaster 18 days started as the car moved towards airport on 31^st Oct with a sense of sorrow and happiness.

I went home, all I remember from that trip was the cold dead hands and her beautiful teeth, rest all just passed by. Seven big days just passed by and my status from daughter of Doctor’s family became Daughter of LATE Doctor’s family.

Nevertheless, I came back to the empty apartment only to say a quick good bye in next 4 days. I reached at 1:00 AM, looked around in that big 3 BHK apartment and the hectic journey made it easier for me to crash which was otherwise difficult in that pinching silence.

I woke up at 5:00 AM, went for a ride, can’t say it was wonderful but I remember that thoroughly for some reason, don’t know why. I got a tattoo done the same day in their memory and became proud owner of a black ink which I regret at times too, only for the size and placement.

As I began to pack the next day, I was realizing it will be very soon I will be an Ex- employee from young employee, in the brand which made me to show off fully for 3 years.

I will be no more a Hyderabadi which was a tag for last 4,5 years, I will not be the same, friendly, open to all kiddo any more.

It was 12^th day and I began the process to say one last good bye. I always wanted this to come but didn’t know it will come only after paying some big price in life, not only in last 10 days but right from that 17^th Nov 2014, an entire year of suffering and learning, and to my surprise 17^th Nov 2015 was my last day in that city, that place, that company, only to realize later that I will be landing in the same lane which I never wanted to see again. The house and the roads which only reminded of some dreamy cheesy days of my life a year back, which was unfortunately short lived.

Day ended, and I packed my bag for once most awaited trip to Kerala and those five days were there to only make me realize that I deserved much more that just waiting people to realize that how much they have hurt me once, how much I need to explore the life and places and how much I need to pick up on my lost health before I pick up on my solo travels and happy loner life.

18^th Nov 2015-  Done with an eye opener fun full trip and through with the last day in that city which gave me shelter for 4. 8 years, I was only counting hours in that city while catching up with few of those, whose presence always meant to me, and realizing that they will be missed- forever- henceforth.

18th -19^th Nov-  Two big days back to back.

I was done with the city which somehow didn’t click for me. I was done with the house and office where I didn’t belong; I was done with my days of waiting.

The LOL of my life, I went to the office with all fresh mind and heart and peeped out of that glass window only to know that it was located in the same place from where I walked exactly an year back.

Thinking that something is good in everything and things happen for a reason which may unfold in months/ years to come, I stand here in front of my little window with all fresh air and view of little kids playing 3 floors down in the play ground. I see this as an opportunity to fly high and do everything I ever wanted to do with no strings attached but one, I am very important to me.

I have come here with a changed family status, changed company and people, changed thought process and mind, changed prospect of looking at the entire year which just went by, I still feel the bad times must happen to everyone of us, every now and then because the BITTER experiences one have in life the Better human they become. The harder we see outside, the softer we become inside and for the fact they are unavoidable so better welcome this when it wants to step in. The good thing about the bad time is that it is a sign of good time is around the corner.

By Sanjeevani Keshav

Story inspired from the movie "Only".

A Dream So Often..

Why I see a dream so often,
Where you bleed to death, reaching out to your own coffin.

You smile and say, things are gonna be fine
You say the world will be a better place for you,
As well as of mine.

Do I only smell or is that you are really around,
Why in the pin-drop silence, I hear a familiar sound?

Do I only feel that, a beautiful place it is, where now you live
Is that you are calling me somewhere not known to all,
Or a random sprawl..
Which my mind nurtures and blindly believes..

As I also see a dream often, where you are hale and hearty
From nowhere, I may join you soon for a reunion party.

As I wonder where exactly you are, few planets or kilometers far
Is that you live no where and inside me is where you are??

Are you really around or want to be..
Why do I hear a familiar sound from deep inside me??

Why do I see you only when dew changes to dawn
May be coz it was your favorite time to start the day in our lawn??

As I see this dreams so often, where you smile as you bleed
I wonder what's left behind and what is that you need??

As I see these dreams so often, I am keen
Do I chase you down and join??
Is your world really peaceful and fine??
OR.. If I Should believe what I have seen??

As I hear you so often in my town,
Are we gonna meet soon for a long-lasting rebound??????

By Sanjeevani Keshav

The Painted Sky...'

What do I see, when I look at the sky
It is for me, it's mine, if only I could fly.

Color of the sky, spoke of the changing mood,
The creamy cloudy sponges, for the eyes to soothe.

When the painted sky, hides behind the dense dark fog,
Open up your heart, let the feelings flow, which for a while was clogged.

There are times when you need extra light coz it's burning low,
There are times, when you find yourself stoned in snow.

There are times, when you find your pillow wet, after a broken sleep.
Feel the sky, see the color you met today, let it pull out sorrows from the deep.

This is what I found, when I saw the orange sky...
Refection of life and a spark for the twinkling eyes.

Now when the sky turned grey,
It said there can be dark nights before a bright day.

time for the sky to turn ocean blue,
If someday this can be made true...
If only I could fly high and get away,
If only I could make a nest of laughter, and could stay..

It was said when the sky was turning yellow,
Paint your own world, see blend of colors, to life- say a HELLO.

When more colors I saw, I could hear from high above,
It's for me, I can fly, forgive and live with love.

It changes color for million reasons,
It said, life is beautiful and has seasons.

What I see, when I looked at the sky,
I have colors within me, I can go high.

By Sanjeevani Keshav

THE WORLD'S EYE

Something happened & the world didn't know
It was not that easy to read the reality below.

Someone cried for what was right,
Someone fought for what was a real fight.

The pain caused was unseen,
What was done was judged & was mean.

Standing alone was difficult and tough,
Trust went far off, bitten by a bluff.

Believe in what the WITHIN says,
Wear silence & you will be left amazed.

Ask a question before you go ahead..
Are you what you want to be..
Do you forgive & set yourself free??

Something happened and it was beautiful,
Something happened which could have been truthful.

At the end of the road, it had to last for few minutes,
Broken it was, gave strength beyond limits .

The World's eye had given definitions to it,
The finger pointed, must have killed someone bit by bit.

Something happened and the world didn't know,
To me it was a puzzle and all I knew was to let it go.

For those who can understand,
It was just a story, unknown and unplanned.

By Sanjeevani Keshav

The Cloud In My Pocket

It was long since I looked for life around,
When I looked for, It was a surprise what I found.

There was a piece of cloud in my pocket, with a fancy smile,
I didn't make a note of it, all this while.

The cloud told me..

There is so much more to know & explore,
Than to let the waves of worldly noise make you a person next door.

This piece of cloud had an essence of life,
It spoke of colors & tricks to escape the butcher's knife.

Puzzled & wondering me, about the choices to make,
This cloud told me, life would not be a piece of cake.

The idea of the cloud was, to fly high,
To catch strings of heart, & to never let it die.

The cloud in my pocket was, a dream buried long back.
This cloud in my pocket was found, to heel an old crack.

With a gleam of silver line,
It said, "it's time to feel fine".

The cloud in my pocket, was a part of mine,
It was a child, it was naive, & divine.

It was long since I looked for life around,
When I looked for, it was ME, what I found..

By
Sanjeevani Keshav

WOKEN UP BY A DREAM

I was left far behind,

By the miseries of world in my mind.

Trying to look beyond the horizon,

I didn't realize,

I was welcoming the worldly poison.

Wondering what this world is made up of,

I didn't realize,

 I was tumbling down in the communal glove.

Standing amid the swarm of thoughts,

I was wondering,

If I were only one among the lot.

If I was just a ball among a million set of eye

I didn't realize that I was losing I

Difficult it is, to stand by for what you are,

I was stuck, with bonding,

Not letting me fly little far.

An unfulfilled dream in your eyes, when I saw you last,

I didn't realize you are gone, nor the pain,

& that I was within aghast.

Swept away with the storm of your death,

I didn't realize,

You came within, to add to my breath.

 By Sanjeevani keshav

DEEP INSIDE....
SO MUCH TO STILL PONDER UPON,
IS THERE SOMEONE TO TRUST ON..
OR ANYONE WHO CAN WALK ALONG?

DAYS CAME AND PASSED BY,
ACCOMPANIED WITH UNSEEN CRIES.

DROP BY DROP TEARS FILLED OCEAN IN MY HEART,
COULD NOT PULL THE FEAR INSIDE , APART.

FELT TIMES AS IF DON'T BELONG,
WHAT FELT MORE AS IF LOST LIFE'S SONG.

OFF THE OLD ROADS TO A NEW PATH,
WALKED OFF THE OLD MEMORIES AND DRY WRATH.

...........

STILL SOMETHING THAT FOLLOWS,

STILL SO MUCH TO PONDER UPON,
WHY I FEEL AS IF AGAIN GOOD DAYS ARE GONE......